You inspire me to be a better pervert.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
2011: Cool story, bro. 1836: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Don't waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Good things don't always have to come to an end.
I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm wearing two watches.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I'm a very nice person...but for you I'll make an exception.
Dear 'K', You should get arrested for killing conversations.
Make money, don't let it make you.
If you were my homework I'd do you on the table.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me a footlong.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
If most people said what was on their minds, they'd be speechless.
