The more pictures you post of your pet the more lonely you are. It's science.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
My grandma is 80 and she still doesn't need glasses... she drinks straight out of the bottle.
A successful man is one that can make more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Here's a condom so that you can have protection while you go fuck yourself. :)
Some people should be high-fived...in the face.
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
I didn't lose my sanity. I sent it away for its own protection.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
"**** ***** is now friends with ****** ****** and 64 other people" damn....what a Facebook whore.
My wife says that I don't listen to her, or something like that.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
F that B.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
Truth can stand on its own, only lies require faith.
