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Admit it! At one point in your life you closed the fridge really slowly to see when the light turns off.

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When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

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You got enemies, good that means you stood up for something.

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Cool story bro. The best part is when you stopped talking.

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Compromising is the same as losing, it just sucks more because winning was never in the deal.

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Life is not what you take of it, but what you make of it.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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I love using big words to sound smart. I mean utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

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You don't need some one to complete you, you just need someone to accept you completely...

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Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of bill payments.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Love me always, love me never, but don't love me sometimes.

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Science has made us gods even before we are worthy of being men.

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I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

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You never how much is enough until you know how much is too much.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, 'In Jesus name, amen'

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I couldn't help but notice that awesome ends with 'me' and ugly starts with 'u'.