You never know how precious it is until you lose it. And you never know how annoying it is until you have it.
The awkward moment when you realize that people are really laughing at you, not with you.
Perception is everything.
I have no time for stupid people. But they sure do have time for me.
You have ONE advantage over me, you can kiss my ass and I can't.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Laughing is when a smile has an orgasm.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
You know you love her when people think you're crazy.
I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Never frown, because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
I'm not flirting, I'm just acting extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman who learns her place.
It's better to be the owner of your silence than the slave of your words.
The world is a fucked up place. You fit right in.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
I bet Osama Bin Laden regrets coming out of hiding to watch the Royal Wedding.
